I feel most creative when I take time to mute the world and bask in my solitude. How quickly the weeks fly by when I’m jumping from job to job and one social event to another. Overriding permission as the admin of my own life to choose late nights over sleeping, working over creating, them over me. Hushing the voice from my inner Cancerian that begs to be home, in my personal and creative space, working on MY art.
I remember a time when I first moved home from Los Angeles and I was substitute teaching in San Francisco realizing with every class period that passed how this was not for me. My days spent in between jobs were my most financially difficult times ever and the hardest on my ego yet where my ideas flourished more than ever. I’d go running just to keep up with my imagination.
It’s truly a balance that will be the only thing that keeps me sane. It’s something I have not mastered and I can’t honestly say I’ve tried hard enough. When I pay attention to what my inner self is trying to tell me I see through all the complicated and unnecessary road blocks that I myself put to stunt my own growth. Simple things, like my list of affirmations, lifts my spirits immediately and muffle the torture that comes with comparing myself to people who are too busy living their lives to think this was even possible. The art of comparing is so real and just like there is good art, there is also bad art. I know we’re all human and guilty of this and it’s so easy to downplay ones abilities when we allow this to happen.
I feel most free when I believe in my own potential. I feel deserving and my actions and decisions reflect that. What I deserve is possible. It was made for me. It’s been waiting for me to come to my senses and take it in. My habit of wanting to satisfy but not expecting to be satisfied is deeply rooted. I give and do not accept then act out because I’m not getting what I think I deserve, in the end pushing everything away just because I myself am not sure what I want or how to ask for it. Asking for what I want doesn't rely on a question that's spoken. It relies on the moves I make, the people I let in, and the time I spend doing and not doing something. It is an art to ask. It’s a choreographed dance that never stops and as I learn I hope you see the fruit of my labor.
I’ll leave you with a couple of my personal epiphanies:
My affirmations are everything.
Don’t just think deserving, act deserving.
Be immersed. “Breathing is easier underwater.” (This lyric speaks to my solitude.)
There is a reason you've lost a taste for certain things. Allow your pallet to experience the new.
What works for others will not always work for me and that is why my work is appreciated – accept that.
There are enough hours in the day. Manage your life, don’t let it manage you.